1 week down, 314-ish to go…

Well, there goes week one of my PhD. Technically week one-and-a-bit, but the point stands that there are many, many more left to go.

It has been interesting, and by interesting I mean terrifying, exciting, anxiety-inducing, and exhausting. I think that I naively imagined doing a PhD meant you could bury your head in books and research and live the life of an eccentric academic recluse, but holy hell this lot like a networking opportunity. I did not think I would have to talk to so many people or do so much mandatory training.

That all makes me sound deeply misanthropic and properly miserable- not an entirely false assumption, but there is more to it, I promise. Thing is, not only am I working full time, but I’m also autistic (and I hate bringing it up, but it really is the perfect storm right now).

Trying to squeeze in a few hours here and there to meet people and find out about the swathes of training I need to do before having to run back to work has been overwhelming to say the least. If I go, I’m exhausted and stretched so thin i might snap, and if I don’t go, I miss out on chatting with my potential new friends and getting to know other people I can share this experience with. Freshers week is always busy in the education sector, but getting it from both sides has been intense in a way I probably should have foreseen, but clearly chose to ignore. Delivering induction sessions as my job and then attending and receiving them as a student has been maddening. The silver lining, if I can cling onto it for dear life, has been my lovely, sweet, brilliant cohort of 8 other English Literature PhD-ers. It’s nice to be in the same boat as people far smarter but equally nervous as you. I could listen to all of them talk for hours.

Navigating such intense, varied, and relentless social events has left me feeling a bit like a dried out husk of a human. If I have to do one more icebreaker, I will commit arson (for legal reasons that is a joke). If I have to find another new room in a new building I will scream (for legal reasons that is not). It’s all a lot, but I am comforting myself in the knowledge that it is only the first few weeks that will be like this – soon enough everyone will be thoroughly welcomed and inducted so I can actually start the fun bit, right? RIGHT?!

I’m trying to put off the anxiety of worrying about the fact my research is pointless and has no impact on anything, the fact that my peers are so much more interesting and more experienced than me with cooler fashion and better jokes, the fact that I’m already feeling short of breath at the whole thing – all of that can wait until after my seventh ice breaker activity and my ninth welcome session. It kind of feels like staring down a tsunami when it’s all coming at you at once, but let’s take things one terrifying step at a time.

One step down, 314-ish to go…