It’s a 09:46 on a Wednesday, and I’m at work (don’t tell anyone).

I’ve been answering emails, setting up meetings (for both work and work-adjacent stuff), mainlining coffee, and having the time of my life. That is, until I realised that while I do love being busy, there has to be an upper limit somewhere at which that busyness turns into something, well, medical. I haven’t even STARTED this PhD yet – why am I so worried about these hypothetical situations that have, at this moment in time, no basis in reality? Then again, isn’t it better to be planning like this before the stress and pressure kicks in, so that I am better prepared to deal with it and thus give myself the best chance of success from the off? Either way, the uncomfortable question bubbled up in my brain…at some point, maybe, has something gotta give?

Work

I work full time in a library – one of those middle management positions where you are always ambiently simmering with things to do, but occasionally the pot boils over and EVERYTHING happens ALL AT ONCE. It’s great. I love my job and I love my colleagues, and my wholehearted intention is to continue working full time while I do this PhD, despite everyone else I know who has gone down the part-time PhD route dropping their hours by at least a day to accommodate their study and research. I’m built different (incorrectly, I think), so I have convinced myself that this is NOT going to be me. I’ll report back in a year, surely there are no examples of hubris ever having negative consequences so I’ll be totally fine.

This is the one that I am pretty staunchly going to fight to maintain as the same – partly because I am stubborn as a mule, partly because I need to fund my extravagant lifestyle of unlimited coffee and little treats, partly because who has time for all that admin, really?

Work-ish

Alongside work, I am a member of a couple of different organisations that support the work we do in libraries, but in a wider way. These organisations are voluntary and realistically don’t take up enough time that I think maintaining them will be detrimental. Besides, the work they do is so interesting and important to me that I really don’t want to give it up (stubborn, see).

It’s also worth noting on this point, I think, that I am not doing this PhD with the sole ambition of immediately becoming a preeminent scholar of the stage with book deals and documentary writing credits and teaching accolades (nice to dream about for sure, but statistically about as likely as me ending up on a yacht married to Harry Styles drinking champagne in the south of France). I’m in this for the love of the game. I just want an excuse to research and write about something I love for a few years. That is to say that my job is a job I’ll be staying in, with any luck, and these work-ish commitments and roles help with that job, so it’s a no-brainer, right?

Other stuff

Eloquent caption, I know, but I really wasn’t sure what to put, which I suppose speaks volumes about how I view my leisure time and hobbies…y’know, all the stuff that makes life worth living.

I love to write. I love to draw. I love to play role playing games with my friends and video games by myself. I love to read novels and history books and Wikipedia rabbit holes. I love to make and listen to podcasts. I love to paint figures. I love getting brunch with my friends. I love going to the cinema with my partner. I love makeup and clothes shopping. I love re-watching BBC’s Merlin or Smallville or Supernatural for the millionth time at home with my cats. I love lying in bed for three hours watching inane TikToks.

I love, it seems, a lot of things, and this is where the inevitable problem comes. I know that when push comes to shove comes to research deadline, the things that I am going to end up sacrificing are these things that I love.

Why? Because not getting around to finishing Chapter 7 of “untitled fantasy novel.doc” is better than missing a work deadline. Keeping that Wiki page about the Svalbard Global Seed Vault unread in my open tabs until it gets closed by accident is better than missing an email. Not swooning over Tom Welling (again) is a sacrifice I have to make so that I can go to a meeting. Having less time to actively engage with myself and nurture my creativity, mental health, and passions is a small price to pay for maintaining the illusion of unstoppable reliability and commitment, surely to God. Besides, the only person I let down that way is me, and she is a right push-over so she’ll be over it in no time.

I know it’s wrong and I know that I need to have a word with myself about priorities, but when it comes to taking the path of least resistance, it seems like an obvious choice, but is it the right one? The healthy one? The most sustainable one?

Either that, or I just wait and see how this whole thing goes and remember that at the end of the day, writing my Merthur fanfiction will always be there for me as the circuit break I need. Same with a stack of pancakes with my besties or a cinema and ramen date with Mikey. Despite my compulsive need to to plan and know every outcome of every possible scenario, maybe this is one where I just have to roll with it and figure it out as I go, and maybe that is actually going to be the hardest part…