Anticipatory research and concept of peppermint tea

So, I start this PhD in October. Currently, it’s early July. By my bad maths, that gives me a few months of preparation time for anticipatory research. The question is, though, what exactly do I do?

I want to be prepared. I have already devoured plenty of books and articles (benefits of working in a library, I suppose), but I am aware that my “plenty” may well differ from other people’s, and may certainly differ to the “plenty” of other researchers three months before they start their degree, for better or worse. I want to make sure I am reading the right things, but I guess I can’t fully know that until I start writing, and I can’t do that until I start the actual PhD. Does my “untitled fantasy novel” need to be shelved for a decade until this whole thing is done, or is it actually the perfect break and escape from the whole thing?

Instead of answering any of these questions, I sit here with the the Sword of Dr Damocles hanging over my head, and a peppermint tea in my hand.

I read a really good guide on dealing with stress the other day (don’t ask…), and it said the best thing to do is to “unhook” yourself from your negative thoughts or feelings by refocussing on your surroundings, especially a drink. That’s where the peppermint tea comes in. The concept of the tea is more healing than the actual drink, a lot of the time. In fact, I don’t think I have actually finished a cup in my entire life. It’s warm and comforting, and borderline medicinal – it’s also now probably not hot enough to finish. Every sip is a new chance to stop and approach the sensations with a curiosity that can help get you off that hook; think of the taste, the smell, the way if feels to drink, the feel of the cup in your hand. Act like you’ve never had a hot drink before. Approach it with the curiosity a researcher is innately born with, that curiosity that steers us to this life .Look at this tea, just sat there on my desk, inviting me in with no expectation of anything in return. What a good, minty friend.

I’ve done all the boring registration stuff, I’ve sorted the admin, I’ve posted on LinkedIn…I think the reason that I’m feeling anxious is because the only thing that is really left to do is actually start. That’s the point of no return, isn’t it? It won’t exist to me as a concept after that point, like the concept of my peppermint tea, it will actually be a tangible thing that is happening and that I am doing. It won’t matter if I’m prepared, and it won’t matter if I have been reading the right or wrong stuff, because it will be happening, like my actual (cold) peppermint tea.

I suppose this feeling is all part of the process for everyone (at least I hope so, please god let this be part of the process for everyone…)

Now I am on the doorstep of actually starting, I feel like I am wearing years of anticipation like a heavy coat. Not just the looming and nebulous spectre of anticipatory research, but the years of anticipatory dreaming and planning and hoping and working toward getting to a place where this is actually a possibility for me, and I am desperate not to left myself down along the way.

Then again, it is a lot harder to think that you are letting yourself down when you have a very curious peppy tea at your side.